Right. So first off I do apologize. This wasn’t supposed to be a political blog. I especially apologize to the British readers as I am sure that my understanding of this electoral system and british politics are rudimentary at best. However, I crave your indulgence for one more general election themed post and then I swear, I’ll tell ya’ll about other things! I promise!
As you may have noticed there is a new Government installed at Number 10 Downing Street. The Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats have formed a coalition. Strange times, strange times. Not quite sure how the Brits are taking it… on one hand, there is a government and we don’t have to go through this crap again…
On the other hand, Tories and Lib-Dems didn’t vote for their respective parties for them to form a coalition with each other; many folks strategically voted Lib-Dem to keep the Conservatives out. I think that people from both parties feel that Cameron and Clegg sold them out…I have to say that I don’t. I think that this was always going to happen. It would have been nice to think of a Lib-Lab coalition but the numbers just weren’t there for a stable government. This current coalition is tenuous enough as it is, I struggle to imagine the Lib-Lab coalition working. Also, Clegg was able to successfully and strategically play Labour and the Tories off each other to get some of his key issues across. Yes David Cameron is the PM, yes there are lots of Tories in the parliament, but lets look at the positive: Clegg is deputy Prime minister, there will be a referendum on voting reform, and the conservatives have given the Liberals a small chance to do some progressive stuff. I mean I’m not saying that this is awesome, but I think it’s the best that can be done considering the circumstances. In the meantime Labour gets to regroup and we’ll see what happens next time.
Rather than focus on doom and gloom and predictions of failure, let’s consider the positives (in no particular order):
1)The fixed term parliament. This means you only have to go through the agony of a general election every 5 years. It forces the country to deal with issues; It gives the chance for reform, progress, and change. Kinda.
2)Gordon Brown is classy. He stepped down as PM and his party’s leader with no fuss and without the silly pomp that others like Thatcher and Blair had. He just said “Thanks, it’s been real, I’ll do my best to continue to serve, bless us every one, c’mon kids, lets go tell the queen she should let a new government form..” Classy. I don’t agree with some of the stuff he’s done but he pleases me.
3)Alistair Darling now has the best title to match his awesome eyebrows. For you American folks who don’t know who he is, he was the Chancellor of the Exchequer under Brown. He also has the best Eyebrows in politics or possibly the world. They are bushy, they are massive, and they demand respect. I’m not kidding. Google him if you don’t believe. Now he will be known as the “Shadow Chancellor”. With that title and those eyebrows he could take over the world….
4)Lembit Opik will be EVERYWHERE. Again, for the Americans, Lembit Opik was a Lib-Dem MP/Attention whore. He is awkward, British, an MP, and dates underwear models and pop stars. (Seriously…he dated a Cheeky Girl…possibly both Cheeky Girls…[Romanian one hit wonders that hit the charts with their incredibly socially aware song entitled ‘touch my bum’. This opus’ chorus involves the line ‘touch my bum, this is life’. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Anyway, he dated them…]) He was just ousted from his seat which means now he has the time to really be an attention hound. This would be annoying except that he is actually quite witty and funny and is taking it all in good stride. There have been lots of self depreciating jokes about busking for money (he plays the harmonica…). I feel he’ll be on a lot of comedy quiz shows and I am just ok with that…
5)British Comedy will enter a bumper year with more fodder than we could have reasonably imagined. I feel most comedians will be on fine form and if it all goes to hell in a handbasket at least the country will go laughing…
6)I see great opportunity for Boris Johnson to continue being ridiculous. Boris is Cameron’s buddy from the Cambridge days. He is a proper toff, the mayor of London, and is generally ridiculous. Unlike Cameron he has fun with the fact that he is posh. My favourite Johnson story is when he chased off would be muggers from a member of his constituency whilst biking through the city. As the muggers were running away he shook his fist and shouted “OIKS!!!”. I have high hopes that this coalition will lead to Johnson and Cameron reaching new heights of ridiculous poshness. Yes.
7)The possibility (in my head) of a Johnson/Opik comedy roadshow. Ok. I admit it. This is not a real possibility but I think that Johnson and Opik could make a bomb being the comedic tory/lib-dem coalition. Think of the glory. I want them both on every quiz show panel EVER.
8)Paramentary reform could happen which means that we get to see some MP’s and Lords get knocked down a few notches. This may in fact provide some awesome comedy. Again, for the Americans, there was a massive expenses scandal last summer…lots of MPs we’re claiming taxpayer’s money for some ridiculous stuff. My favorites include a moat for a castle, a duck pond, adult films (for her husband in fairness…), second homes, etc. When a few of these dudes were prosecuted they had the nerve to claim Legal Aide (usually provided for citizens of low income who cannot afford legal fees…). The fact is the Parliament needs shaking up and if this coalition actually does it then awesome. Better that then someone going all Guy Fawkes on them…this was one of the issues that the British people got the most riled up about (and rightly so…) I think if the reform forces MP’s to remember who put them in at Westminster and to not be silly with their funds it can only lead to a stronger Britain. Not to mention the hilarity that will ensue when you tell a member of the house of Lords that he actually has to live in the country he governs most of the time…they aren’t gonna like that…
9)Pretty Dresses. Samantha Cameron and Miriam (insert her awesomely Spanish last name that I can’t remember here…Clegg’s wife…) are beautiful women with a sweet fashion sense. This isn’t political at all, I just like looking at pretty dresses…I feel these two women will BRING IT at international events. There may have to be a zoolander style walk off between the UK, France, and the US political spouses….my money’s on Miriam…
10)Michael Caine? Maybe? He came out for the Tories early on in the election, perhaps he’ll be around later? Doubtful but more Michael can only be a good thing…
11)The Labour leadership election. Oh yes. The party gets to elect a new leader. One of the options is named Ed Balls. This could possibly mean that at some point down the line there could be a PM Balls. And a nation of schoolboys and those who like schoolboy humour chuckled.
12)It’s still England. It will still rain in the summer. Pimm’s is still delicious. The Geordie dialect will continue to be indecipherable. Simon Cowell will continue to be an idiot. The private lives of Jordan, Kerry Katona, and Cheryl Cole will continue to be splashed across tabloids. At the end of the day, this government could work, it could fail, it could be mediocre. Life marches on and we’ve got to march with it… This is a country that has survived constitutional crisis’s, monarchy’s toppled, George the Third, the Blitz, Civil War, Invading Armies, Benny Hill, and the ENTIRE “Carry On” series of movies. On the scale of things a coalition isn’t that bad. Britian will continue. And everyone will hate it and vote in Labour the next time. And then everyone will hate them and vote in either the Tories or Lib-Dems, and so it goes… Democracy in action…
So that’s my two cents on the whole thing; I’m just glad it’s over. Now I can move on to other topics though I am sure that the Government will give me ample fodder for a while. As always I’ll keep ya’ll updated!
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
Friday, 7 May 2010
Multiple Dimblebys? Get In!
Well dear readers, I was going to regale you with tales of British sports and an adventure at the Cricket pitch, but I believe that will have to wait. The general election was yesterday, and ya’ll, I have never seen a more complicated and ridiculous train wreck. When I say that this is a hot mess, believe it. The only delightful things about this situation are the broadcasters who are angry and haven’t slept all night, crap animations, the British public laughing at itself, and Joan Collins drunk on a boat (seriously…part of the BBC election coverage involved Joan Collins…more on that later…) Basically, the UK is headed for a hung parliament where no one has a clear majority. At the time of writing, the conservatives have the most seats but not enough to form a minority government. The way things have gone so far is that Brown has not resigned. He made a play to create a coalition with the Lib-Dems. However, Nick Clegg has said that he is waiting for the conservatives to parlay with him first as they have the right to attempt to form a government first. While I hate the conservatives, Clegg is right. 1) a lib-lab coalition still wouldn’t get a majority and 2) a lib-lab coalition would shut out the large group of people who did vote conservative. I don’t agree with their policies, but they have the right to their opinions and to decide who governs them.
This brings me to my next point. If I hear one more British asshole complain about the US electoral system I may punch a baby. In my opinion, the Brits have lost the right to mock us for 2000 and Bush. Quite a few folks were shut out of poling stations and it looks like there is going to be legal action a la Florida 2000 as the election commission didn’t plan for the incredibly high voter turnout and THOUSANDS were denied the right to vote. 600 people were turned away in Chester, there were sit-ins in Manchester and Hackney protesting. (Parenthetically I can’t think of places I would like to screw around with people less….I imagine a Manchester sit in is ROUGH) In Sheffield Hallam (Nick Clegg’s constituency) people stood in line for three hours in the rain only to be turned away. I mean on one hand, yes, the polls close at ten, but if you got there at 7 and you’ve stood in line for three hours you should get your vote…also a few constituencies RAN OUT OF BALLOTS. That’s just simple counting… It was appallingly run. This election was and still is INCREDIBLY close. Those who didn’t vote were actually gypped. Their vote could have made a difference. There is a massive part of me that is snickering…The British press have always been fairly harsh on our electoral system and their handling of the 2000 election was actually quite shocking…(Actually the British handling of ANY American issue is shocking, but I digress) Oh England…a hanging chad isn’t so funny now is it? Especially when it turns out that some constituencies put returning officers in place that CANT COUNT PAPER. Nothing much more to say about that situation except SUCK IT. Democracy is hard kids…welcome to our world… But bureaucratic and organizational issues aside, the whole thing is unbelievably complicated and if I am not mistaken Britain is heading for a MASSIVE change in its electoral system because this shit is bananas. I’m honestly in shock. Somehow there is a system in place where a party gets 36 percent of the vote and over three hundred seats (Conservatives); but a party that gets 22 percent of the vote only gets 56 seats (Lib Dems). Power is given through the number of seats; while the conservatives hold the most seats, they don’t hold a majority of the house of Commons, so technically they are not mandated by the people to run a government (well they are sort of…they can do it, but they would only hold power for around 18 months, and election will be called relatively soon…no one will last 5 years and the kicker is that whoever takes power now will have to take such drastic action to save this country’s economy that NO ONE will vote for them next time round. It’s essentially political suicide…). Then in the background of all of this is the Queen. Basically if it gets bad homegirl gets to step in and do…something…I’m not sure what… It’s a right old mess.
But! It’s not all doom and gloom! What rescues all of this is the BBC coverage of the whole thing. There is something truly beautiful about the way the Brits don’t take themselves too seriously…The BBC set up a lamer British version of CNN’s holodeck complete with some thing called the Swingometer. Now the swingometer is the stuff of legend. It measures the swing between parties in constituencies between elections. It used to be just a basic kind of odometer looking thing with grades of swing and an arrow. Peter Snow would get all worked up about the changes in political thinking and it was awesome. Now in today’s day and age it has become a MASSIVE MOVING HOLOGRAPHIC ARCING WALL! It swishes about the newscasters with wild abandon! It has all the constituencies on it and is incredibly complicated to read and understand! As the returns come in the BBC measures the changes in each constituency and the holodeck goes into full swing! It also has swishing sound effects which are always good. The night is hosted by a man named David Dimbleby, part of the Dimbleby dynasty of British news casting (I’m not kidding, that exists…). Apparently at one point the Dimblebys were on every station so you could have your pick of multiple Dimblebys on British television on election night. On a totally unrelated note I think ‘Multiple Dimblebys’ is the name of my fictional band I may start one day, but that’s neither here nor there. The first return is from Sunderland and I have to say I love the returns. They get all the potential ministers up there like they’re in a bizarre beauty pageant (or in this case an “awkwardlookingbritishperson” off) and read out the results. The beauty of this is that they have to read what party they are. This is great in places where there are the true fringe parties such as the monster raving loony party (google it) or the New Millennium Bean Party. They only get like, one vote apiece, but the returning officer has to read it out like they may become MP one day. In the meantime, to fill time while people were counting and recounting the BBC cut over to its party on a boat full of celebrities. All of them were drunk, all of them talking politics, I’m amazed no one died. The best part of the night was Joan Collins (legend) in sequins drunkenly slurring about how she voted for David Cameron and the Tories because they like families (I think…it wasn’t very clear…she dazzled me with her awesomeness). I gave up fairly early (1am) but after a while it got repetitive. The broadcasters are angry, the populous makes jokes, and no one knows what is going on. Poor Dimbleby didn’t sleep til like, 9am….
The populous do seem to be taking it in their stride. There isn’t much rage, just that quiet angry cynicism. If this happened at home there would be lawsuits already and riots…Here, it appears to be seen as the march of life. A perfect example of this is my boyfriend, who is a very politically minded fellow. We were watching the news he sighed and said “it’s buggered”, switched the telly over to a non news station, made food and drank wine. This appears to be the British way of dealing with this, sort of crap and I can’t hate on it. But in a weird way it’s sad. No one is happy but no one cares enough to force progress. Hopefully the populous will snap out of their cynicism and apathy to actually force change in their country rather than sitting back and taking it. Britain is a great nation; it deserves a great government based on a mandate from the people. I just hope that they can get it together, they deserve it.
This brings me to my next point. If I hear one more British asshole complain about the US electoral system I may punch a baby. In my opinion, the Brits have lost the right to mock us for 2000 and Bush. Quite a few folks were shut out of poling stations and it looks like there is going to be legal action a la Florida 2000 as the election commission didn’t plan for the incredibly high voter turnout and THOUSANDS were denied the right to vote. 600 people were turned away in Chester, there were sit-ins in Manchester and Hackney protesting. (Parenthetically I can’t think of places I would like to screw around with people less….I imagine a Manchester sit in is ROUGH) In Sheffield Hallam (Nick Clegg’s constituency) people stood in line for three hours in the rain only to be turned away. I mean on one hand, yes, the polls close at ten, but if you got there at 7 and you’ve stood in line for three hours you should get your vote…also a few constituencies RAN OUT OF BALLOTS. That’s just simple counting… It was appallingly run. This election was and still is INCREDIBLY close. Those who didn’t vote were actually gypped. Their vote could have made a difference. There is a massive part of me that is snickering…The British press have always been fairly harsh on our electoral system and their handling of the 2000 election was actually quite shocking…(Actually the British handling of ANY American issue is shocking, but I digress) Oh England…a hanging chad isn’t so funny now is it? Especially when it turns out that some constituencies put returning officers in place that CANT COUNT PAPER. Nothing much more to say about that situation except SUCK IT. Democracy is hard kids…welcome to our world… But bureaucratic and organizational issues aside, the whole thing is unbelievably complicated and if I am not mistaken Britain is heading for a MASSIVE change in its electoral system because this shit is bananas. I’m honestly in shock. Somehow there is a system in place where a party gets 36 percent of the vote and over three hundred seats (Conservatives); but a party that gets 22 percent of the vote only gets 56 seats (Lib Dems). Power is given through the number of seats; while the conservatives hold the most seats, they don’t hold a majority of the house of Commons, so technically they are not mandated by the people to run a government (well they are sort of…they can do it, but they would only hold power for around 18 months, and election will be called relatively soon…no one will last 5 years and the kicker is that whoever takes power now will have to take such drastic action to save this country’s economy that NO ONE will vote for them next time round. It’s essentially political suicide…). Then in the background of all of this is the Queen. Basically if it gets bad homegirl gets to step in and do…something…I’m not sure what… It’s a right old mess.
But! It’s not all doom and gloom! What rescues all of this is the BBC coverage of the whole thing. There is something truly beautiful about the way the Brits don’t take themselves too seriously…The BBC set up a lamer British version of CNN’s holodeck complete with some thing called the Swingometer. Now the swingometer is the stuff of legend. It measures the swing between parties in constituencies between elections. It used to be just a basic kind of odometer looking thing with grades of swing and an arrow. Peter Snow would get all worked up about the changes in political thinking and it was awesome. Now in today’s day and age it has become a MASSIVE MOVING HOLOGRAPHIC ARCING WALL! It swishes about the newscasters with wild abandon! It has all the constituencies on it and is incredibly complicated to read and understand! As the returns come in the BBC measures the changes in each constituency and the holodeck goes into full swing! It also has swishing sound effects which are always good. The night is hosted by a man named David Dimbleby, part of the Dimbleby dynasty of British news casting (I’m not kidding, that exists…). Apparently at one point the Dimblebys were on every station so you could have your pick of multiple Dimblebys on British television on election night. On a totally unrelated note I think ‘Multiple Dimblebys’ is the name of my fictional band I may start one day, but that’s neither here nor there. The first return is from Sunderland and I have to say I love the returns. They get all the potential ministers up there like they’re in a bizarre beauty pageant (or in this case an “awkwardlookingbritishperson” off) and read out the results. The beauty of this is that they have to read what party they are. This is great in places where there are the true fringe parties such as the monster raving loony party (google it) or the New Millennium Bean Party. They only get like, one vote apiece, but the returning officer has to read it out like they may become MP one day. In the meantime, to fill time while people were counting and recounting the BBC cut over to its party on a boat full of celebrities. All of them were drunk, all of them talking politics, I’m amazed no one died. The best part of the night was Joan Collins (legend) in sequins drunkenly slurring about how she voted for David Cameron and the Tories because they like families (I think…it wasn’t very clear…she dazzled me with her awesomeness). I gave up fairly early (1am) but after a while it got repetitive. The broadcasters are angry, the populous makes jokes, and no one knows what is going on. Poor Dimbleby didn’t sleep til like, 9am….
The populous do seem to be taking it in their stride. There isn’t much rage, just that quiet angry cynicism. If this happened at home there would be lawsuits already and riots…Here, it appears to be seen as the march of life. A perfect example of this is my boyfriend, who is a very politically minded fellow. We were watching the news he sighed and said “it’s buggered”, switched the telly over to a non news station, made food and drank wine. This appears to be the British way of dealing with this, sort of crap and I can’t hate on it. But in a weird way it’s sad. No one is happy but no one cares enough to force progress. Hopefully the populous will snap out of their cynicism and apathy to actually force change in their country rather than sitting back and taking it. Britain is a great nation; it deserves a great government based on a mandate from the people. I just hope that they can get it together, they deserve it.
Thursday, 29 April 2010
giggles, gaffs, and a general election....
I'm unsure how many of you follow British politics but in case you weren't
aware, the UK is in the middle of a FASCINATING possibly system changing
election and for the first time in a long while I have to say that I enjoy
observing politics again...this must be what Europeans feel like watching our
election interested, worried, fascinated, and amused with a touch of
superiority thrown in. With one week until the election, I felt it was
appropriate to document my thoughts for your general consumption (I'm going
to apoloigize in advance to my British readers...your system is confusing and
if I've butchered it I am sorry, however, when the electoral college looks
like a counting game on sesame street compared to your 'first past the
post' thinger it may be time for a shake up...still love ya'll though!)
Right, so here's the deal...in England you don't vote for a person, you vote
for a party to be in power. The party then chooses its leader and that
person becomes the Prime Minister. This is how the current Prime Minister,
Gordon Brown, came into power without being elected when Tony Blair stepped
down in 2007. So in a clear majority year what happens is you vote for
your MP (Member of Parliament) and whoever has the most seats has the
leadership and then they decide who the PM is. Then the PM sets up his
cabinet, picks his chancellor (the financial dude who lives at #11 Downing
Street and is essentially kind of like the Vice President) and other
cabinet ministers and proceeds to Buckingham palace to make sure the queen
is cool with him setting up a government. She says yes and goes back to
chilling with her corgi's and hats and the PM gets on with running the
country. Meanwhile, the party with the fewer seats sets up a 'shadow'
government with it's own cabinet and ministers that provide opposition for
the majority in power. (More importantly it leads to the best job titles
EVER: "shadow chancellor" and "shadow secretary for education". It sounds
like they're setting up some evil school for despots somewhere bizarre
like, the Isle of Wight. Believe me, this makes me giggle all the
time...when I grow up I want to be a shadow undersecretary of something. with
a name like that you'd have to go to work everyday dressed in all black and
looking shifty...in my head it would also involve hats and massive
sunglasses...but I digress). Now if there is no clear majority you have
what is called a hung parliament. This means that there will either be a
coillition government or a minority government both of which I am too tired
and confused to explain...but know that it makes things crazy, interesting,
lame, and awesome all at the same time (depending on who gets in and who
you voted for...) It's looking more and more like this is what the UK is
heading for. Now that you have a vague and rather unhelpful understanding
of the system it is now time to understand the players in this year's debacle...
The Big Three (The guys who may be PM)
Gordon Brown: incumbent, Labour, no way in hell will he be getting in
unless he manages to pull a minority government with no popular vote. He
was the chancellor under Blair and came to power when Tony decided to move
on to a more lucrative career as a motivational speaker...I feel bad for the
guy...he had to clean up Blair's mess and got blamed for it all. Also forgot
his microphone was still on and called a 70 year old life-long labour voter
a bigoted woman on a national broadcast (she was, but whoops!). Generally,
Labour sucks but no more than the other parties and I'd rather have him
than
David Cameron: conservative, leader of the opposition. What an idiot.
He's a rich Etonian (read: proper upperclass british twit) who attempts to
win votes by being down with the kids...he is young, plastic, and has no
concept of how a government should be run. His economic policy is shocking
and he's trying to be Obama (on a side note if I hear the word 'change' one
more time I may bash my head against a wall...when did it become good to
change and not progress? Just cause you're not someone in power doesn't
mean you're not crap...urg). This guy was on track to win and have a clear
majority, but then came along...
Nick Clegg: The leader of the Liberal Democrats. Bless the Lib
Dems...they've been the third party on the sidelines for years...always doing
well enough to get votes and yet also managing to be entirely ineffectual.
Everyone thought it was sweet to include them in the very first televised
prime ministerial debates; no one thought Clegg would be the clear winner in
the first one and that the debate actually pushed his support through the
roof putting the Lib Dems above labour in the polls?. Under the current
voting system he will never be PM but he will be a vital cog in the wheel
of a coalition government. Honestly, even though a few of his policies are
shocking, (not a fan of his immigration plan) much of the lib dem manifesto
seems reasonable for Britain. I think if I was voting I'd vote for
him...also he was an archaeology major...I can't hate...
The Other Parties (no way in hell, but so you are aware...they do exist):
The Scottish National Party: Bless...they're the ones rocking it up at the
Devolved Scottish Parliament. Also have quite a few seats at Westminster.
I support them generally in that they do stand up for Scottish issues and
occasionally start a little movement for Scottish independence in which
they bluster a lot, everyone says no and then goes home...good times... What
I don't support is the attempt to sue to be part of the prime ministerial
debates. you are not up for PM. sit down.
Plaid Cymru: Pronounced PlIIEd Cumry. The Welsh. Like the SNP but more
annoying. Again, rock your vote but don't sue the BBC over the debates. you
have, like, 2 seats in Westminster. Go home and sing in close harmony or
something...
The Green Party: The usual. They like the earth. Go team.
UK Independence Party: Conservative isolationists. They do what they do.
They don't like EU regulations. Fair enough.
The British National Party: I almost can't get started on this one. These
are the fascists. Britain for white Britons is their moto. They deny the holocaust and think Hitler was an alright guy (which is like, the least British thing to
say ever...the dude that bombed the hell out of you was ok? lame) Their main
platform is immigration reform because they feel that the island has been
overrun with brown people and eastern Europeans who have TAKEN THEIR JOBS
AND BENEFITS! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE. (Again...it's the legacy of your empire...deal with it...also, I pay taxes to fund the benefit system and don't see a cent of it cause I'm an immigrant so calm down...) Up until a few months ago they didn't allow
any black or Asian folks in and as an immigrant, if I wanted to join (which
I never would but for the sake of argument) I couldn't. However, they can
have some comedy value...One of their publicity guys was arrested on the
suspicion of trying to murder their leader and staging a coup within the
party...hilarious...
So those are the players...Since the election was called on April 6th these
idiots have all been politicking and kissing babies and the British public
has become more and more disillusioned with these people...I do feel bad for
the electorate...When the election was called, I got super excited...by the
2nd day I was tired with it...Until I had been here and watched this crap I
had never understood the underlying sense of doom and gloom the British
have about politics. I think the real problem is that they don't have fun
with it. I mean at home there are sequins! And conventions! And drinking
games revolving around the debates! SNL and other comedies having fodder
for months and months! And lest we forget Wolf Blitzer and his holodeck on
CNN! There is very little of that here...I mean there is some comedy and
apparently a 'swingometer' on the BBC which I am looking forward to, but
besides that it's just boredom and rage from the people of the UK...maybe
I've been here too long but that English cynicism about politics has crept
up on me. I've learned that British politicians make American politicians
look like salt of the earth, upstanding, moral folks...Yes the Brits win on
pomp and tradition and Prime Minister's question time makes for some of the
best television ever, but besides that UK politics upset me... This election
has been the dirtiest, most underhanded I've ever seen and I've seen Bill
Clinton get elected. Twice. The debate that I care about the most is
immigration as I am an immigrant and I have to say that it makes what's
going on in the states look like child's play. All parties have SHOCKING
policies on immigration that 1)won't help the problem 2)waste the
government's time and money and 3) provide me and other people in my
position with even larger bureaucratic nightmares than before (which I
didn't think was possible). It's a sad day when the current labour
government gives us the best option for staying. I have a horrid feeling
whoever comes in power I'm going to end up being deported...
But! The good news is that this election has the potential to really shake
things up with the system over here. Nick Clegg is pushing for
proportional representation and if he is party of a coalition government
that will be a massive bargaining point. I think it's great that the two
party system isn't as prominent here as it is in the states and I think
that It's good that the Lib Dems are shaking things up for the two old
parties. With proportional representation England could get real
interesting and things could actually change...possibly for the better...We
shall see. All I know for certain is that May 6th can't come fast enough...
aware, the UK is in the middle of a FASCINATING possibly system changing
election and for the first time in a long while I have to say that I enjoy
observing politics again...this must be what Europeans feel like watching our
election interested, worried, fascinated, and amused with a touch of
superiority thrown in. With one week until the election, I felt it was
appropriate to document my thoughts for your general consumption (I'm going
to apoloigize in advance to my British readers...your system is confusing and
if I've butchered it I am sorry, however, when the electoral college looks
like a counting game on sesame street compared to your 'first past the
post' thinger it may be time for a shake up...still love ya'll though!)
Right, so here's the deal...in England you don't vote for a person, you vote
for a party to be in power. The party then chooses its leader and that
person becomes the Prime Minister. This is how the current Prime Minister,
Gordon Brown, came into power without being elected when Tony Blair stepped
down in 2007. So in a clear majority year what happens is you vote for
your MP (Member of Parliament) and whoever has the most seats has the
leadership and then they decide who the PM is. Then the PM sets up his
cabinet, picks his chancellor (the financial dude who lives at #11 Downing
Street and is essentially kind of like the Vice President) and other
cabinet ministers and proceeds to Buckingham palace to make sure the queen
is cool with him setting up a government. She says yes and goes back to
chilling with her corgi's and hats and the PM gets on with running the
country. Meanwhile, the party with the fewer seats sets up a 'shadow'
government with it's own cabinet and ministers that provide opposition for
the majority in power. (More importantly it leads to the best job titles
EVER: "shadow chancellor" and "shadow secretary for education". It sounds
like they're setting up some evil school for despots somewhere bizarre
like, the Isle of Wight. Believe me, this makes me giggle all the
time...when I grow up I want to be a shadow undersecretary of something. with
a name like that you'd have to go to work everyday dressed in all black and
looking shifty...in my head it would also involve hats and massive
sunglasses...but I digress). Now if there is no clear majority you have
what is called a hung parliament. This means that there will either be a
coillition government or a minority government both of which I am too tired
and confused to explain...but know that it makes things crazy, interesting,
lame, and awesome all at the same time (depending on who gets in and who
you voted for...) It's looking more and more like this is what the UK is
heading for. Now that you have a vague and rather unhelpful understanding
of the system it is now time to understand the players in this year's debacle...
The Big Three (The guys who may be PM)
Gordon Brown: incumbent, Labour, no way in hell will he be getting in
unless he manages to pull a minority government with no popular vote. He
was the chancellor under Blair and came to power when Tony decided to move
on to a more lucrative career as a motivational speaker...I feel bad for the
guy...he had to clean up Blair's mess and got blamed for it all. Also forgot
his microphone was still on and called a 70 year old life-long labour voter
a bigoted woman on a national broadcast (she was, but whoops!). Generally,
Labour sucks but no more than the other parties and I'd rather have him
than
David Cameron: conservative, leader of the opposition. What an idiot.
He's a rich Etonian (read: proper upperclass british twit) who attempts to
win votes by being down with the kids...he is young, plastic, and has no
concept of how a government should be run. His economic policy is shocking
and he's trying to be Obama (on a side note if I hear the word 'change' one
more time I may bash my head against a wall...when did it become good to
change and not progress? Just cause you're not someone in power doesn't
mean you're not crap...urg). This guy was on track to win and have a clear
majority, but then came along...
Nick Clegg: The leader of the Liberal Democrats. Bless the Lib
Dems...they've been the third party on the sidelines for years...always doing
well enough to get votes and yet also managing to be entirely ineffectual.
Everyone thought it was sweet to include them in the very first televised
prime ministerial debates; no one thought Clegg would be the clear winner in
the first one and that the debate actually pushed his support through the
roof putting the Lib Dems above labour in the polls?. Under the current
voting system he will never be PM but he will be a vital cog in the wheel
of a coalition government. Honestly, even though a few of his policies are
shocking, (not a fan of his immigration plan) much of the lib dem manifesto
seems reasonable for Britain. I think if I was voting I'd vote for
him...also he was an archaeology major...I can't hate...
The Other Parties (no way in hell, but so you are aware...they do exist):
The Scottish National Party: Bless...they're the ones rocking it up at the
Devolved Scottish Parliament. Also have quite a few seats at Westminster.
I support them generally in that they do stand up for Scottish issues and
occasionally start a little movement for Scottish independence in which
they bluster a lot, everyone says no and then goes home...good times... What
I don't support is the attempt to sue to be part of the prime ministerial
debates. you are not up for PM. sit down.
Plaid Cymru: Pronounced PlIIEd Cumry. The Welsh. Like the SNP but more
annoying. Again, rock your vote but don't sue the BBC over the debates. you
have, like, 2 seats in Westminster. Go home and sing in close harmony or
something...
The Green Party: The usual. They like the earth. Go team.
UK Independence Party: Conservative isolationists. They do what they do.
They don't like EU regulations. Fair enough.
The British National Party: I almost can't get started on this one. These
are the fascists. Britain for white Britons is their moto. They deny the holocaust and think Hitler was an alright guy (which is like, the least British thing to
say ever...the dude that bombed the hell out of you was ok? lame) Their main
platform is immigration reform because they feel that the island has been
overrun with brown people and eastern Europeans who have TAKEN THEIR JOBS
AND BENEFITS! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE. (Again...it's the legacy of your empire...deal with it...also, I pay taxes to fund the benefit system and don't see a cent of it cause I'm an immigrant so calm down...) Up until a few months ago they didn't allow
any black or Asian folks in and as an immigrant, if I wanted to join (which
I never would but for the sake of argument) I couldn't. However, they can
have some comedy value...One of their publicity guys was arrested on the
suspicion of trying to murder their leader and staging a coup within the
party...hilarious...
So those are the players...Since the election was called on April 6th these
idiots have all been politicking and kissing babies and the British public
has become more and more disillusioned with these people...I do feel bad for
the electorate...When the election was called, I got super excited...by the
2nd day I was tired with it...Until I had been here and watched this crap I
had never understood the underlying sense of doom and gloom the British
have about politics. I think the real problem is that they don't have fun
with it. I mean at home there are sequins! And conventions! And drinking
games revolving around the debates! SNL and other comedies having fodder
for months and months! And lest we forget Wolf Blitzer and his holodeck on
CNN! There is very little of that here...I mean there is some comedy and
apparently a 'swingometer' on the BBC which I am looking forward to, but
besides that it's just boredom and rage from the people of the UK...maybe
I've been here too long but that English cynicism about politics has crept
up on me. I've learned that British politicians make American politicians
look like salt of the earth, upstanding, moral folks...Yes the Brits win on
pomp and tradition and Prime Minister's question time makes for some of the
best television ever, but besides that UK politics upset me... This election
has been the dirtiest, most underhanded I've ever seen and I've seen Bill
Clinton get elected. Twice. The debate that I care about the most is
immigration as I am an immigrant and I have to say that it makes what's
going on in the states look like child's play. All parties have SHOCKING
policies on immigration that 1)won't help the problem 2)waste the
government's time and money and 3) provide me and other people in my
position with even larger bureaucratic nightmares than before (which I
didn't think was possible). It's a sad day when the current labour
government gives us the best option for staying. I have a horrid feeling
whoever comes in power I'm going to end up being deported...
But! The good news is that this election has the potential to really shake
things up with the system over here. Nick Clegg is pushing for
proportional representation and if he is party of a coalition government
that will be a massive bargaining point. I think it's great that the two
party system isn't as prominent here as it is in the states and I think
that It's good that the Lib Dems are shaking things up for the two old
parties. With proportional representation England could get real
interesting and things could actually change...possibly for the better...We
shall see. All I know for certain is that May 6th can't come fast enough...
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
what do you do with a BA in English?
So kids, I have an interview on friday for a call centre job. This is good but also soul distroying...
I'm moving to Saltaire this weekend which is exciting! Its really the best thing for me. I'm about to start a soul destroying job and I think if I have to come back to a soul destroying place such as bradford. It will be good for me, good for the girl I'm moving in with, and also good for me and my paramour:) Anyhoodle...I'll write more as it comes. This blog has started off slow but it will build:) watch this place!
I'm moving to Saltaire this weekend which is exciting! Its really the best thing for me. I'm about to start a soul destroying job and I think if I have to come back to a soul destroying place such as bradford. It will be good for me, good for the girl I'm moving in with, and also good for me and my paramour:) Anyhoodle...I'll write more as it comes. This blog has started off slow but it will build:) watch this place!
Sunday, 3 January 2010
bonjour...
Hey ya'll...this is my proper "grown-up" blog about living in England...I'll write more soon!
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