giggles, gaffs, and a general election....

I'm unsure how many of you follow British politics but in case you weren't
aware, the UK is in the middle of a FASCINATING possibly system changing
election and for the first time in a long while I have to say that I enjoy
observing politics again...this must be what Europeans feel like watching our
election interested, worried, fascinated, and amused with a touch of
superiority thrown in. With one week until the election, I felt it was
appropriate to document my thoughts for your general consumption (I'm going
to apoloigize in advance to my British readers...your system is confusing and
if I've butchered it I am sorry, however, when the electoral college looks
like a counting game on sesame street compared to your 'first past the
post' thinger it may be time for a shake up...still love ya'll though!)

Right, so here's the deal...in England you don't vote for a person, you vote
for a party to be in power. The party then chooses its leader and that
person becomes the Prime Minister. This is how the current Prime Minister,
Gordon Brown, came into power without being elected when Tony Blair stepped
down in 2007. So in a clear majority year what happens is you vote for
your MP (Member of Parliament) and whoever has the most seats has the
leadership and then they decide who the PM is. Then the PM sets up his
cabinet, picks his chancellor (the financial dude who lives at #11 Downing
Street and is essentially kind of like the Vice President) and other
cabinet ministers and proceeds to Buckingham palace to make sure the queen
is cool with him setting up a government. She says yes and goes back to
chilling with her corgi's and hats and the PM gets on with running the
country. Meanwhile, the party with the fewer seats sets up a 'shadow'
government with it's own cabinet and ministers that provide opposition for
the majority in power. (More importantly it leads to the best job titles
EVER: "shadow chancellor" and "shadow secretary for education". It sounds
like they're setting up some evil school for despots somewhere bizarre
like, the Isle of Wight. Believe me, this makes me giggle all the
time...when I grow up I want to be a shadow undersecretary of something. with
a name like that you'd have to go to work everyday dressed in all black and
looking shifty...in my head it would also involve hats and massive
sunglasses...but I digress). Now if there is no clear majority you have
what is called a hung parliament. This means that there will either be a
coillition government or a minority government both of which I am too tired
and confused to explain...but know that it makes things crazy, interesting,
lame, and awesome all at the same time (depending on who gets in and who
you voted for...) It's looking more and more like this is what the UK is
heading for. Now that you have a vague and rather unhelpful understanding
of the system it is now time to understand the players in this year's debacle...

The Big Three (The guys who may be PM)

Gordon Brown: incumbent, Labour, no way in hell will he be getting in
unless he manages to pull a minority government with no popular vote. He
was the chancellor under Blair and came to power when Tony decided to move
on to a more lucrative career as a motivational speaker...I feel bad for the
guy...he had to clean up Blair's mess and got blamed for it all. Also forgot
his microphone was still on and called a 70 year old life-long labour voter
a bigoted woman on a national broadcast (she was, but whoops!). Generally,
Labour sucks but no more than the other parties and I'd rather have him
than

David Cameron: conservative, leader of the opposition. What an idiot.
He's a rich Etonian (read: proper upperclass british twit) who attempts to
win votes by being down with the kids...he is young, plastic, and has no
concept of how a government should be run. His economic policy is shocking
and he's trying to be Obama (on a side note if I hear the word 'change' one
more time I may bash my head against a wall...when did it become good to
change and not progress? Just cause you're not someone in power doesn't
mean you're not crap...urg). This guy was on track to win and have a clear
majority, but then came along...

Nick Clegg: The leader of the Liberal Democrats. Bless the Lib
Dems...they've been the third party on the sidelines for years...always doing
well enough to get votes and yet also managing to be entirely ineffectual.
Everyone thought it was sweet to include them in the very first televised
prime ministerial debates; no one thought Clegg would be the clear winner in
the first one and that the debate actually pushed his support through the
roof putting the Lib Dems above labour in the polls?. Under the current
voting system he will never be PM but he will be a vital cog in the wheel
of a coalition government. Honestly, even though a few of his policies are
shocking, (not a fan of his immigration plan) much of the lib dem manifesto
seems reasonable for Britain. I think if I was voting I'd vote for
him...also he was an archaeology major...I can't hate...

The Other Parties (no way in hell, but so you are aware...they do exist):

The Scottish National Party: Bless...they're the ones rocking it up at the
Devolved Scottish Parliament. Also have quite a few seats at Westminster.
I support them generally in that they do stand up for Scottish issues and
occasionally start a little movement for Scottish independence in which
they bluster a lot, everyone says no and then goes home...good times... What
I don't support is the attempt to sue to be part of the prime ministerial
debates. you are not up for PM. sit down.

Plaid Cymru: Pronounced PlIIEd Cumry. The Welsh. Like the SNP but more
annoying. Again, rock your vote but don't sue the BBC over the debates. you
have, like, 2 seats in Westminster. Go home and sing in close harmony or
something...

The Green Party: The usual. They like the earth. Go team.

UK Independence Party: Conservative isolationists. They do what they do.
They don't like EU regulations. Fair enough.

The British National Party: I almost can't get started on this one. These
are the fascists. Britain for white Britons is their moto. They deny the holocaust and think Hitler was an alright guy (which is like, the least British thing to
say ever...the dude that bombed the hell out of you was ok? lame) Their main
platform is immigration reform because they feel that the island has been
overrun with brown people and eastern Europeans who have TAKEN THEIR JOBS
AND BENEFITS! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE. (Again...it's the legacy of your empire...deal with it...also, I pay taxes to fund the benefit system and don't see a cent of it cause I'm an immigrant so calm down...) Up until a few months ago they didn't allow
any black or Asian folks in and as an immigrant, if I wanted to join (which
I never would but for the sake of argument) I couldn't. However, they can
have some comedy value...One of their publicity guys was arrested on the
suspicion of trying to murder their leader and staging a coup within the
party...hilarious...

So those are the players...Since the election was called on April 6th these
idiots have all been politicking and kissing babies and the British public
has become more and more disillusioned with these people...I do feel bad for
the electorate...When the election was called, I got super excited...by the
2nd day I was tired with it...Until I had been here and watched this crap I
had never understood the underlying sense of doom and gloom the British
have about politics. I think the real problem is that they don't have fun
with it. I mean at home there are sequins! And conventions! And drinking
games revolving around the debates! SNL and other comedies having fodder
for months and months! And lest we forget Wolf Blitzer and his holodeck on
CNN! There is very little of that here...I mean there is some comedy and
apparently a 'swingometer' on the BBC which I am looking forward to, but
besides that it's just boredom and rage from the people of the UK...maybe
I've been here too long but that English cynicism about politics has crept
up on me. I've learned that British politicians make American politicians
look like salt of the earth, upstanding, moral folks...Yes the Brits win on
pomp and tradition and Prime Minister's question time makes for some of the
best television ever, but besides that UK politics upset me... This election
has been the dirtiest, most underhanded I've ever seen and I've seen Bill
Clinton get elected. Twice. The debate that I care about the most is
immigration as I am an immigrant and I have to say that it makes what's
going on in the states look like child's play. All parties have SHOCKING
policies on immigration that 1)won't help the problem 2)waste the
government's time and money and 3) provide me and other people in my
position with even larger bureaucratic nightmares than before (which I
didn't think was possible). It's a sad day when the current labour
government gives us the best option for staying. I have a horrid feeling
whoever comes in power I'm going to end up being deported...

But! The good news is that this election has the potential to really shake
things up with the system over here. Nick Clegg is pushing for
proportional representation and if he is party of a coalition government
that will be a massive bargaining point. I think it's great that the two
party system isn't as prominent here as it is in the states and I think
that It's good that the Lib Dems are shaking things up for the two old
parties. With proportional representation England could get real
interesting and things could actually change...possibly for the better...We
shall see. All I know for certain is that May 6th can't come fast enough...